Y’all I’m alive!

I didn’t intend to take such a step back from this. In fact, I was fully prepared to really throw myself into creating more content and being more disciplined this year. Obviously shit didn’t turn out that way. 

These few months without the added pressure I was putting on myself have been really nice. Not that I don’t love talking finance, but I didn’t like how much it was infiltrating my day to day. I was constantly getting at myself for not spending more time writing or creating pins or developing things to sell. It started to become really not fun. 

I’ve spent less time on social media and more time exploring other things. Other things being reading about 4 smutty books every week. Yea. It’s been nice. But it’s also allowed me some time to get a deeper handle on how I want to spend my time. 

In all honesty, I’ve realized that I don’t like spending time on social media at all. Except TikTok. That one can stay. All the others though, I find them exhausting. It’s too much information, too much engagement bait, too much regurgitation of content simply to put out content. As someone trying to build a brand but also just as a regular consumer, I found social media is just not where I want to spend my time. These few months without creating or being really active on it like I used to be helped me see that I don’t miss it at all. I’m still trying to figure out how that can be maintained while trying to build whatever this thing is.

I’ve also moved really fuckin far away from being productive, which I also don’t hate. When you’re low income, like I am, most of what you find on the internet is going to tell you to hustle. It’s going to tell you to be productive 24/7. Y’all, no. I have hustled plenty in my life and promised myself that I would never let productivity work me so hard ever again. Also because I’m bipolar and trust me when I tell you that alone keeps me occupied enough. I don’t need to add the pressures of trying to make all the money I can just because I was conditioned all my life to think I had to. It was an adjustment. You can’t go from hustling all your life because you had to, to enjoying a Saturday off with no guilt for staying in bed all day overnight. Society tells us that’s laziness. It’s wrong. You’re not contributing. Society can kiss my dick. I enjoy rest. I enjoy doing nothing. My goals do not involve labor of any kind and I’m not waiting until retirement to enjoy that just because I don’t make much money.

I’m actively taking a break from school. After a few accounting and economics classes I was over it. Humans just love to complicate simple things, which is how I felt through these classes. That and the fact that what I’m learning is all based on the white-male-business-owner structure. Of which I am none of those things. That is not the economy I’m included in. It’s the economy I’m forced to fit into. I have to squeeze myself into those spaces and act like that’s the right way to do things. I’m not into that. So I paused to figure out if I really want to continue with it. I have no real skills other than customer service, which I will not be doing ever again. Don’t even at me about it because all that tells me is you’ve never worked a customer service job and have no clue about how fuckin awful it is. However, I know any prospect of a decent paying job is slim without at least something. I would also have to pay back about $1,600 in employer tuition reimbursement if I changed majors or quit altogether, which is a fuckin lot to someone like me. So, it’s caused a bit of a crossroads and I’m not sure how I want to proceed.

That’s where my heads been at these few months. Last year brought up a lot of times that we all questioned the type of lives we want to live. Yes, I would love to be making more money and not waking up at 6 am. However, I also shouldn’t be so caught up in changing that, that I forget to enjoy the good parts of now. I want to be able to enjoy the lazy Saturday afternoons I have with my dog curled up under my knees while I read. That is time I won’t get back and I decided that I don’t want those moments to be tinged with guilt that I’m not working on something. 

I may delete IG or I may decide to log in once a week. I might change majors or I might suck it up and finish this degree since I’m half way through already. I don’t know. But I think I’ll stick with not worrying about if it’s enough.